A long time ago, I remember coming across the saying, “even the Chairman’s pencil has an eraser”. This idiom means that all of us are susceptible to say or do things every now and then that merit an apology. At a philosophical level, life is not about treading every step cautiously or measuring every word we speak. At a social level, discussions can turn into debates and we may lose our cool and utter something we regret. After all, all of us are human and are fallible. However, what makes matters worse is having done an act that was not proper or something that offended or insulted someone, and refusing to have remorse over it.
There are many reasons why we find it hard to simply say “sorry” or “I apologise.” The most frequently seen reason is letting one’s ego reign. Particularly, as we go up the corporate hierarchy, our ego tends to swell and is a huge block in expressing regret and patching up the relationship. Simply saying sorry has saved many relationships at work and at home.
In one of my several coaching assignments for corporate CXOs, the senior executive being coached was a very valued senior manager, but his temper was a cause for concern. He will fly off the handle at the drop of a hat and this had been worrying his boss and impacting his team’s motivation. Today, he has come a long way in managing his emotions and strengthening his relationships at work. However, it was initially hard for him to recognize that once you have lost your temper and “the arrow is out of the bow”, there is only one next best option available. And that is walking up to the individual at the receiving end of your anger and temper tantrum and sincerely apologising. He worked his way up to doing this. However, he shared with me later, during a conversation, that he would actually go a step further. After apologizing, he would spend a few extra minutes to explain to the offended individual why he did or said what he did.
Don’t explain!
That brings us to the second law of repentance. If apologizing is the first law, the second law is even more important. And that is: Never try to explain or justify why you screamed or yelled or did whatever you did that merited the apology.
It’s no rocket science, here is why:
Trying to offer reasons for our flawed behaviour takes away from the very impact of the apology we offered. And frequently, this adds insult to the very injury we are attempting to cure.
You owe it to repair it
Apologising is a matter of abundant courage. It is the weak-hearted who cannot apologise. The most important lesson here is to stay in the first person, not shift to the second person we wronged. This happens when we say, “I am sorry you feel bad about it” The real apology is:
“I am sorry I offended you by my mistake” You own it and repair it. As simple as that!
It is also important to recognise that even as we apologise for our mistakes, we must make efforts not to repeat it.
EQ is key
Emotional intelligence has to be cultivated to build resilience and the ability to hold our emotions that are not appropriate or that will have an adverse impact on others. Routinely apologising after repeating the same mistake again makes us even less of a leader. That said, cultivating the courage to say sorry to start with, when we need to, elevates the respect we enjoy at work and outside.
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