On June 9, Apple CEO Tim Cook delivered the commencement speech at MIT. During his address to the graduates, he said something very insightful: “I’m not worried about artificial intelligence giving computers the ability to think like humans. I’m more concerned about people thinking like computers — without values or compassion, without concern for consequences.”
One of the most dangerous places this computer-like approach can afflict us is in our communication. It can see us shoot our mouth off, or write an email without factoring in the consequences. As James Humes, a speech-writer for five US Presidents, once said, “The art of communication is the language of leadership.”
Let’s look at the 3 Es that we need to get this language right.
Empathy
This must be the platform for effective communication. Without empathy, we risk coming across as someone who is tone deaf to the wants and needs of listeners. Abraham Lincoln put it well when he said, “When I get ready to talk to people, I spend two-thirds of the time thinking of what they want to hear and one-third thinking about what I want to say”. That proportion conveys a sense of the priority we need to give to our listeners.
Empathy means really getting into the shoes of those we are communicating with. What is their context? How will my communication affect them? What are their needs and wants? I recall getting this completely wrong during my first town-hall meeting, when I took over a new business.
My speech focused on vision and growth and going places. The response from my audience was lukewarm. Only later, in the one-to-one conversations, did I discover that since the business had recently seen two different organisations coming together, their biggest concern was jobs — who was going to have one and who was going to lose one? If only I had listened and been empathetic, I could have constructed my speech taking into account these concerns, while still laying out a vision.
The Uber example
The Uber board is meeting to consider several recommendations received from the firm they had called in to review people practices, culture and processes in the company, after several ex-employees levelled sexual harassment accusations.
One of the recommendations they are seriously evaluating is getting the CEO, Travis Kalanick, to take a break from his role at the organisation (as of today, he has taken an indefinite leave of absence from the company). His brash and often non-empathetic style has rubbed off on the organisation, creating divisions, fear and a culture unsuited for an organisation growing as fast and as broadly as Uber.
This is the challenge many leaders face. They believe that empathy is not a desirable trait for a leader, that it reflects weakness and hesitancy. But the reality is quite the opposite. It is the strong and decisive leader who understands that empathy will give his vision and his communication, momentum. As Tim Cook continued in his speech, “People will try to convince you that you should keep your empathy out of your career. Don’t accept this false premise.”
That is why, as we grow as leaders, our communication must be full of conversations — a two-way, often multi-way, process that encourages questions, makes time and space for listening, and seeks out views so that when we do, say or write something, it is empathetic and has a better chance of yielding results.
Express vs impress
Is our communication outward or inward? Insecure leaders communicate based on questions like “How will I come across?”; “How can I make a good impression?”; “How can I demonstrate who is the boss?”
In all the questions above, the common theme is the ‘I’. When we try to impress, our communication comes across as ‘affected’ instead of ‘effective’.
Very often, the content, tone and style of our communication is distorted by this underlying need to impress. Our messages end up garbled and the consequences can turn out to be very different from what we intended. Instead, if we choose to express, then we shift the focus from ourselves to our communication — why do I want to say this? What outcome do I want for all of us involved? How should I frame my communication for the best result? These questions prompt a more mature and responsible communication.
Emotional control
Our communication is often triggered by a stimulus and most often, this stimulus leads to an emotional response, which is often the wrong response. It is immediate, unchecked, unfiltered, instinctive and not just ineffective but destructive.
Experts recommend a four-step process to prevent emotions from derailing our communication:
~ Pause and suspend judgement. Hold off on an immediate response.
~ Understand. Seek to understand what’s going on, either in the situation or from the person communicating with us.
~ Self-awareness. Become aware of what specific emotions are being triggered within us and what beliefs they are stemming from.
~ Openness in response. Communicate with openness and clarity without allowing emotions to limit options and possibilities.
Imagine you are the Secretary of the college fest. A team meeting is being held and one of the team members calls out, “I don’t think this is very organised at all — it looks like we are nowhere close to ready”.
Immediately, you feel defensive. You get angry and respond, “So, why don’t you give it a try, dude. I’m slogging it out here while you guys give gyan .” Instead, if you checked your emotion and focused on what the person was trying to get at, a more mature and effective response might have stemmed, such as, “That’s good feedback. Why don’t we look at some of the specific things that don’t seem to be organised and what the specific risks are? I’m going to need everyone’s help to get this over the line.”
Tim Cook’s urging to the MIT graduates was, “Measure your impact on humanity not in the likes, but the lives you touch.” If we can keep these three Es in our mind, heart and spirit every time we communicate, we will find our communication become more effective and our leadership, more impactful.